remember that time?

we got stranded on a highway in the middle of Texas during a snow storm?

Well…YOU weren’t there…and I’m pretty thankful for that. Otherwise you would have seen me at my most vulnerable…crying, angry, and peeing in an ice bucket in a moving vehicle while surrounded by members of my family.

Should I back track a bit for you?

Or have you run off to the bathroom to wash your eyes out after picturing that sweet little image??

I’ll wait for you to come back then…..

Of course, with any trip you take, there are bound to be instances that do not go according to plan. Sometimes, these things work out for the best, while other times, you are left wishing you had just stayed home in your snuggie with a steaming mug of cocoa and your TiVo set to House Hunters International. My trip to Red River, New Mexico started out with the latter feeling.

It was the winter of 1998 and my family had decided to take a skiing vacation with our good family friends, the Riskeys. The Riskey’s had frequented a little ski resort in Red River before, and thus convinced us to join them for a snow-cation that year. It was going to be a blast! This was still “back in the day” when we liked to drive places (group bonding? Yes, please!), so the Davis clan and Riskey clan piled into their separate mini vans and headed out for New Mexico. Well, what was planned to only be a day and a half trip turned into a three day…extravaganza. You see, when it snows in Texas, it doesn’t really “snow”. There should be a new definition of snow for our great state. That definition is: Ice water that freezes upon impact causing non-northerners to freak out and slide around the road or stop in their tracks in a mass panic seeing as how they’ve never seen “snow” before.

The trip started out fine without many complications. Driving through west Texas is like watching a Vin Diesel movie, you can fall asleep part of the way through and still wake up knowing you didn’t miss anything! As we continued driving, however, the “snow” started to slow us down. Now, we all knew that driving in the dead of winter in Texas was bound to cause some road delays. However, what we DIDN’T know was that these road delays would become more than just delays….they would become DEAD HALTS. Seriously, at one point, we were driving a wickedly fast 5 mph on the highway. See? Just like a Vin Diesel movie, eh? (ba dum CHING!) Fortunately, I come from a family of planners. My parents are master travellers, especially my father. That man has more pockets and folders filled with necessary information than an Eagle Scout has carribeaners on a 3 day adventure tour. This came in handy when we realized halfway through day one that there would be no more driving that day. The roads were closed, yet we managed to slide our way into the nearest hotel my dad had pre-booked along our route…and thank God for pre-booking! Already people were camped out in every space available in the hotels. Ballrooms, conference centers, bathrooms (I kid you not) were filled with wayward travellers, all with the same crazy idea that travelling in December in Texas was a fool-proof plan. We hunkered down for the night, praying that the rest of the hotel patrons would give up and turn around, and thus free up the roads for the rest of us “die-hards”.

No dice.

Getting back out on the road the next day, we found ourselves once again trapped in a death crawl of SUV’s covered in stickers like, “my son is an honor roll student at (BLANK) elementary” and mini vans with the family of Jesus fish…you know, the mom, dad, three kids….and their little dogs too! (because all dogs go to Heaven!!) Despite the less than stellar traffic conditions, we still had our game faces on, and forged ahead, determined to at least make it out of Texas by the end of day two.

No dice.

At one point, we found ourselves in the middle of nowhere on a two lane highway…in traffic…surrounded by only the flat plains of west Texas (cue “Children of the Corn music”).

This was all fine and dandy for a few hours, until I started to get a funny little feeling. You know the one you get after you’ve drank all the gatorade in the car cooler and now it’s begging to come out for another visit? Yeah, that feeling grew pretty strong over the course of a couple of hours, until my feeling began to take shape in the form of what we like to call a “pee pee pregnancy”. Yes, we are about to go there. With no chance of a bathroom in sight, my hopes of holding-it-till-we-can-make-a-scheduled-stop went out the window, and the La Maz breathing commenced. My sister and brother took great joy in “encouraging” this pregnancy by taunting, tickling, and perfecting the art of Niagara Falls rushing water sounds. As my bladder began to rebel against me, the tears started to flow. And then it just got ugly. If you can (as in, if your brain is not already scarred), just picture 3 teenagers in a mini van, two giggling and laughing and poking a third, who is crying hysterically while clutching her stomach in hopes of not prematurely “giving birth”. Meanwhile, two adults sit in the front of the van, blissfully ignoring the turmoil raging behind them, years of experience and numbing allowing them to instead focus on the road conditions ahead. Finally, it happens. The third child, tears streaming down her face, screams that THIS IS HAPPENING NOW AND WILL SOMEONE GET ME A BUCKET! My brother and sister freeze, each with a terrified expression on their face, knowing full well that the red-faced, shrieking sister of theirs meant business, and that if they wanted to save themselves the inevitable therapy costs from seeing their sister drop trough in front of them, they’d better turn around fast. So they did.

And then I peed.

In an ice bucket from the La Quinta.

In front of my entire family.

In a (partly) moving vehicle.

This is where, in true Zoolander fashion, you’d look at me and say, “Good story, Hansel”. 🙂

Oh, and the fun didn’t stop there…but I’ve embarrassed myself enough today.

And I feel like I need to pee.

hearts and “not too tight!” hugs,

B.

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Comments

  1. BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! As your sister, I’d like to say that I remember parts of that story a LITTLE differently! 🙂 I still tell it (my way!) with lots of enthusiasm.

    I CAN’T WAIT to see you this weekend!!!

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