into the shopping wild…

Every culture has a sub culture. Our society is so A.D.D. that we simply cannot focus on one thing and one thing alone. We have to add to it. So instead of “Rock music”, we have “Indie Rock”, “Soft Rock”, “Hard Rock”, “Classic Rock”, etc. The same goes for shopping. We’ve all heard terms like “shopaholic”, “window shopper”, “thrift shopper”, and so on….well, NOW you are going to hear a few of the species I have created in a realm very near and dear to my heart. So, the next time you are out at a mall, garage sale, or nearest JCPenney (nudge nudge), try and see if you can spot any of the following:

browseronus aloneis – The lone shopper. The outlaw. You see them lurking in store windows or around sales racks. They are a quiet breed, skittish around large groups. While they seem rather docile, wayward salespeople can ruffle their feathers easily, causing the species to retreat into their protective shell. Their diet consists mainly of “coupon cannot be combined with other offers” and “buy ONE get ONE free” deals. They have been known to be allergic to “One Day Only” sales, as their enemy, the shopaholic determinus, makes itself known then.

shopaholic determinus – Easily spotted by their beady eyes, long snout, and thin-lipped grimace. This species hunts solo, but is also known to occasionally join a pack. They can reach shopping speeds of up to 10 items per hour, and at peak sale season, this number becomes untraceable. They are generally friendly, however, their response to other species can be regarded as hostile due to their inability to focus on more than one subject at a time.

coupleonia engagedandie – Much like doves, this species is always in pairs. Affection is high on their trait list, and can often cause others around them to gag due to the extreme feeling of love they project into the air. Separating this species is difficult due to the conjoined nature of their arms, hands, lips, etc. They can usually be found in Bed Bath and Beyond or Pottery Barn. Rare sightings of the more unconventional coupleonia engagedandie have been made at Baby’s R Us, however, these species get infected quickly by the very aggressive strain of shot-gun-marriagitis, and thus die out at a rather alarming rate.

spousealenie drag-elongia – Again, much like the aforementioned, this species is always seen in twos, however, the similarities end there. Most often the female is seen dragging the male behind her in a possessive arm pull. As the species ages, the separation grows wider, allowing the male more room to breath, however, the dominance is still present. While the female exhibits much of the control in where they nest, the male proves his worth by producing what scientists call “the dough”, allowing the female the ability to feather her nest.

thriftus stingyama – One of the smallest species known, in population size as well as physical characteristics, this breed can only be found at outdoor markets, garage sales, thrift shops, or during peak sales seasons. Being small in stature allows them to easily hide between giant racks of clothing, making it near impossible for larger breeds like the shopaholic to overtake them and drive them away from the feed. They take their time nesting, waiting for years for things to go on sale before purchasing. They do have a strong tendency to buy in bulk, which is why they can usually be spotted at your nearest Costco or Sam’s Club.

In recent years, hybrids of these species have popped up throughout the world due in part to the economic crash. More and more species are interbreeding due to the necessity to keep their kind alive. For instance, more sightings of a newer hybrid, coupleonia thriftus, have spiked along the Northwestern coast, specifically near Portland, as well as down south near Austin, Texas. These breeds are known for being extremely trendy, and thus change their colors and shopping patterns a great deal. Another stealthier breed, onlineus webanus has only begun growing in the past decade. They are considered one of the rarest of breeds, as they do not appear often in public. They can spend months at a time holed up in their dens, only making appearances every so often to stock up on pantry items or other necessities. Little is known about them because of this characteristic, however, of what has been seen, many seem to be rather pale and slight in stature, as most of their days are spent hunched over a computer. Carpel tunnel syndrome runs high in their medical records, as well as poor eyesight and malnourishment due to all-nighter Ebay bid wars.

Do any of these species sound familiar to you? If you had to choose, which one would you be? I believe I would belong to the shopaholic determinus clan…but I also have a bit of thriftus and browseronus in my DNA.

hearts and hugs,

B.

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Comments

  1. firstpersonshooter says:

    Clearly more research needs to be done into the rare species onlineus webanus (the last part of that name is really uncomfortable). We are not all slight of stature. Many of us are pale, but we have many reasons for avoiding the shopping mall/department store habitat.
    Some of us are shy or feel stressed or threatened by large crowds, especially those comprised mostly of juveniles. Others may be attracted to the ease and thrift that is found with web-based hunting, plus the time it leaves for other leisurely activity.
    One thing worth noting, that for many of this rare breed, we are willing to break from our normal routines for a niche shopping experience that we enjoy- in my case, it’s probably a camera or music store, or maybe just a trip down to the Bass Pro Shop, a wild adventure in itself.

    Corey

    • Corey, just realized the name thing, and have to say…didn’t even notice until now! not gonna change it though…..haha….

      and yes, while not ALL of the breed is slight in stature, a good majority are….at least the ones I’ve seen…. 🙂

      and i’m pretty sure the only time I went into Bass Pro Shop, I got caught on some fishing wire and spent the majority of my time untangling myself…..

Trackbacks

  1. […] but I’m a bit preoccupied! The shopping alone really has to do with the fact that I am a shopaholic determinus. I’m focused on the clothes, not on the convo…my eyes are too easily diverted by all […]

  2. […] into the shopping wild… […]

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