Disease free…it’s the way to be!

Now, before your mind starts to reel with the reasons for this title, let me explain that it has NOTHING to do with any sexual or physical ailments….so get those thoughts out of your head!! 🙂 This is, in fact, a discussion of some spiritual and emotional diseases….

I heard a quote from Beth Moore the other day that said, “The bigger we are to ourselves, the more unforgiving we can be”. That phrase struck a chord in me. I am an extremely unforgiving person when it comes to my own tendencies. So how big AM I in my mind?

Growing up, I recall (and have been told) that I never held much of a grudge. My toy would be stolen at play time one minute, and the next, I was grasping the offender in a giant, sticky-fingered bear hug and shrieking, “You’re my best friend!”. At home, my parents would send me off to my room after breaking a rule, only to hear, minutes later, delightful chatter and the clanking of toys from behind my closed door. I forgave others rather easily. Much of this boiled down to my inherent need to please people. To this day that is a quality (or fault…it can go both ways) that runs deep in my veins. It was a quality when I had a spat with my sister over some trivial matter, and chose to wipe the slate clean soon after, rather than brooding on an unimportant subject. It was a fault, however, when I forgave my roommate in college for leaking personal information about me to some friends, causing much embarassment and explanation.

Needless to say, the doormat disease (the phrase I coined for my people-pleasing tendencies) was, and still is, at an all time high when it comes to forgiving others. When it comes to myself…..now, that’s a different story.

No matter what stage in life I have been in, the moral of the story remains the same: I am not good enough. This idea has permeated my thought process for decades now. Fail a test? You could have done better. Came in second in a speed work test at soccer practice? You are too slow. Didn’t get a valentine from your 5th grade crush? You are not pretty enough. Even more recently: gained weight after coming close to your “goal” weight? You are too fat.

I have built myself up so much in my head, placed so much weight on my shoulders, that when I “fail” at something, it results in my tearing myself down. I am unable to forgive myself for my shortcomings. I am unable to relinquish those negative thoughts and give myself a metaphorical sticky-fingered bear hug a la my five-year-old former self. I have made ME an idol in my own mind. I have placed such a high standard of perfection on myself that I constantly come short of meeting my expectations.

It’s time to downsize.

I need to downsive my perceptions. I need to downsize my expectations. I need to downsize my view of myself. It’s time for the LORD to be the bigger person in this relationship. HE must become greater, and I must become smaller.

It’s time to get a prescription for self-love, and rid my body of this “doormat disease”. 🙂

Who’s with me??

hearts and hugs,

B.

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Comments

  1. I’m with you sister. Lately, I’ve been unforgiving in my heart toward friends who I think are being a bit too judgmental and crazy but I need to realize that I’ve been forgiven first so I can extend that forgiveness. Who’s to say that I have non-judgmentalism all figured out either?! Not! Praying for you on your journey – pray for me too if you think of it.

  2. sorry you’re struggling with this 😦 it’s hard to forgive sometimes…i’ll of COURSE pray for you in this!! love you sissy boo 🙂

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